50 Percent of Marriages End in Marriage

About four years ago, my brother-in-law (before he was my brother-in-law) said something to me that I still think about today. We were sitting in the kitchen of his home in Plainfield, NJ, with his wife standing at the stove prepping a dinner that I’ve long forgotten--except that it was delicious--discussing topics ranging from homeownership and jobs to the adventures of marriage and raising kids. A former seminarian from Brooklyn, he felt compelled to lay down some knowledge and inform me that “There are some things they don’t warn you about in marriage.” I married his wife’s sister anyway. We married knowing fully well that there are no perfect marriages. Although we would’ve loved to be like the Fredricksens from the movie Up--where the opening scenes and montage doesn’t show them arguing at all--the real adventure is knowing that that is not the reality of marriage. Meetings with our priest and our conference for engaged couples in our preparation helped us understand that, and further developed our understanding of marriage as a commitment into the unknown future that a husband and wife vow before God to take together; a lifelong journey side by side, hand in hand, towards the sunset. But like all commitments--and all ventures into unknown futures--things happen. Obstacles arise that can throw married couples into odd, difficult and even tense situations. Some couples may just need help creating good communication patterns in their marriage. Others may feel distant from each other and aren’t sure why, or find themselves in a rut and want to find a way to start over. Obstacles like finances, home and car repairs, family matters, emergencies and unexpected occurrences can lead to tense discussions, heated arguments or a distancing silence, leaving the couple frustrated, in pain, and looking for ways to heal and move forward. That lifelong journey towards the sunset is not without a lifetime of obstacles to face. On March 9th and 10th, married couples will have the opportunity to address those obstacles head on at Our Lady of Bethesda Retreat Center in Maryland, where faculty members from Divine Mercy University (DMU), led by Associate Professor Dr. Lisa Klewicki, will host a retreat for couples looking to reconnect, repair and re-energize their marriage. “This retreat is primarily aimed at helping couples deepen their relationship, their level of communication, and emotional connection,” said Dr. Jonathan Marcotte, a Licensed Psychologist for Catholic Social Services of Southern Nebraska. “It’s based off of scientifically validated psychological studies on ‘Attachment Theory’ that have been heavily researched for over 50 years.” Dr. Marcotte, a graduate of DMU’s Psy.D. program in 2017, ran this two-day workshop with Dr. Klewicki and her team last year. Modeled from the “Hold Me Tight” workshop format for couples developed by clinical psychologist and founding Director of the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Dr. Sue Johnson. Dr. Klewicki and her team immersed the Catholic faith into its structure to help guide couples through the first phases of EFT and improve their ability to experience God’s love within their marriage. Dr. Kathleen Musslewhite, also an alumna of DMU, will be a part of Dr. Klewicki’s team this year. She’s a licensed psychologist who practices in Frederick, Maryland. “The purpose is to help couples who are married to recognize some common obstacles in marriage through the lens of EFT,” she said. “I’ve used EFT for three years now and find it really kind of amazing. It takes the pressure off the couple and puts it on the reactive attachment cycle.” This workshop is not a replacement for marriage therapy. According to Dr. Musslewhite, it is in the context of programs for marriage enrichment. The couples spend the weekend engaging with each other--talking to each other--and no therapeutic relationship is created. The therapists are there to present information and opportunities and help the couples with the exercises, but they do not speak with the couples. There are some couples who may end the weekend realizing that they need more extensive therapy.     “Couples from all sorts of situations have come on past retreats,” said Marcotte, “ranging from newlyweds to couples who are so distressed that divorce is on the table. This retreat is specifically for couples who feel like they’re ‘stuck’ in a constant state of negative interactions with each other. It’s for couples who feel disconnected and want to rekindle feelings of closeness with each other. This retreat certainly pushes each individual to dig deeper into their own roles regarding negative interactions with their spouse, as well as to put aside their frustrations in order to hear each other’s pain.” “I remember at the last one I attended, there were couples who expressed to me ‘ah ha’ moments,” said Musslewhite. “They expressed that they were in the middle of reactive cycles but couldn’t see the pattern. Once they saw the patterns, they felt more empowered. Another couple was able to recognize the behavior that had previously felt critical and judgemental now felt like a cry for closeness, a need for secure attachment.” In addition to the workshop being immersed in Catholic theology, the workshop is immersed in the sacraments. Confession will be offered throughout the day and Mass will be offered in the evening. “This is a wonderful reason why this workshop is so effective,” said Marcotte. “Integrating the sacraments allow more opportunities for God’s grace to pervade into the couple’s experience. It is incredibly important as couples become more vulnerable and take advantage of this opportunity to allow God’s love to give courage and solace to the one being vulnerable, as well as giving grace and peace to the one receiving and responding to the other’s vulnerability.” The workshop takes it a step further by allowing the couples, at the workshop’s conclusion, the opportunity to renew their marriage vows. It’s optional and the couples are not obliged to partake, one may think that there’s extra pressure on the couples that attend knowing that’s available at the end. “The sacraments and the renewal of vows are all offered, but certainly not compulsory,“ said Musslewhite. “Some couples don’t stay for the Mass and renewal of vows at the end of the weekend. For other couples, it’s the highlight of the weekend.”   “Well, it might!” Marcotte exclaimed when asked if couples attending may feel the pressure of the renewal of vows. “A lot of couples get into some deep places if they take this workshop seriously, and while it’s a place to do some deep healing and restructuring, it can take couples to places they never wanted to go. If a couple feels unresolved in some difficult parts of their relationship, they might feel forced to do marriage vows.” “However,” Marcotte continued, “renewing vows is also symbolic of the element of love that is a choice, and this opportunity allows them to make a conscious choice to love each other and continue fighting for a positive relationship.”           No marriages are perfect, and the world is full of obstacles that can dissuade a couple from keeping the fire of their love lit. But within that commitment to each other is the love and hope to acknowledge when those obstacles are affecting our relationship, and to make every effort toward identifying and remedying those obstacles toward rekindling that love that originally brought them together. For more information about this workshop and future workshops, click here: https://ourladyofbethesda.org/healing-your-love-tools-overcoming-obstacles-marriage#panel--2   

Our Lady Shares the Sacrifice of Motherhood

In the mountains of southern Italy, there is a monastery that shelters the iconic twelve-foot high Black Madonna icon of the village of Montevergine, attracting pilgrims from all over the world for hundreds of years. On February 2nd and September 12th--the feast of the Purification of Mary and the feast of the Most Holy Name of Mary, respectively--a festival takes place in celebration of Montevergine’s Blessed Virgin. Travelers from all walks and ways of life climb the 300 plus steps up the mountain to the hilltop monastery--singing, dancing, playing tambourines and drawing parade floats along the way--to adore, pay homage, pray to and praise in thanksgiving of Our Lady of Montevergine’s love. [caption id="attachment_601" align="alignleft" width="162"] The 12-foot high icon stands behind the altar of the Montevergine Monastery. Crowns were added to Mary and the Child Jesus in 1621, and the lower part of the image was added between 1712 and 1778. Image source http://interfaithmary.net/blog[/caption] The miraculous history of the Black Madonna throughout the world shows a long, loving history of the Blessed Virgin Mother watching over her children wherever she has appeared. Many miracles have been attributed to these iconic images, including the Polish icon of Our Lady of Czestochowa--known and revered as the queen and protector of Poland--and Our Lady of Montevergine specifically is believed to have interceded in the miraculous rescue of a gay couple in the middle ages who were en route to worship before her icon, but were captured by an angry mob and were beaten, stripped, tied up and left to die in the frigid temperatures. Such incredible moments in history have led millions of people to look to her as their spiritual mother and source for guidance and motherly comfort, but her life on earth itself is a testament to motherhood’s strife and sacrifice, while showing the loving path for mothers all across the world. Throughout the month of February we’re celebrating, focusing and worrying about love and finding love, and it’s almost insulting that we neglect to celebrate and acknowledge the love that moms bring to us and the world, literally with every breath they take. But many young women today feel a sense of fear at the prospect of struggling with motherhood, especially if they lacked a positive mothering experience growing up. Others may fear what the commitment entails or feeling that they may not become the great mother they had. “It’s a commitment,” said Fr. Robert Presutti, Chaplain at Divine Mercy University, “meaning you are sort of throwing yourself into the unknown. You can’t determine what this child is going to be like in any way, shape or form. How is having a child going to impact your own life? It’s a risk, and like all risks, we face it with a little hesitation. “You think about beings that are just ‘gimme, gimme, gimme’,” Presutti continued, “and don’t have much to give back. What more than babies, right? But at the same time, you realize they’re giving a whole bunch, that we didn’t even realize we needed. Very often, it’s in our own coming out of ourselves and our own false securities that we discover true happiness, true security, and the joy of sacrifice, especially in motherhood.” But we only need to look at Mary, not only for her guidance and understanding, but also to help imitate any mothering skills that fall short. As we sing her praise, we may forget that Mary was human too. Mary was a real woman on earth who faced the very same fears and struggles mothers do today. She was a wife and mother who committed herself to doing all of the things that a great parent does: preparing and cooking meals, washing and mending clothes, washing dishes, changing diapers, worrying about her child as he matured, and going to bed exhausted after each long day of hard work caring for her husband and son. “There is certainly a lot to contemplate,” said Presutti. “She is a humanly mother, like all other mothers but, perhaps, like no other mother. And talk about making yourself completely vulnerable! God was asking a lot of Mary, and Mary threw herself into it. The only question she had for the angel who appeared to her was in regards to God’s expectations for her and it would all come about. Everything else was unknown and an absolute risk. And Mary allowed herself to be shaped very deeply by her child. A child inevitably shapes the mother.” Mary’s actions on earth exemplified the virtues of a loving mother--acceptance, patience, trust, endurance, courage, and strength. She said yes to carrying God’s only son--a request that was not only daunting but also unheard of--and stayed true to her promise with her beloved child unto the very end: from giving birth in a stable, to fleeing to Egypt to protect her newborn, to standing with her son as He grew up, and being with her son where no mother ever wants to be: in His final hours, watching in horror as He was condemned, brutally tortured and executed before her eyes.   “With God’s grace and Mary’s example,” said journalist and author Marge Fenelon in her book, Imitating Mary: Ten Marian Virtues for the Modern Mom, “we can overcome any obstacles to becoming the loving, wonderful mothers we’re meant to be. In Mary, we have a mother worthy of emulation, but who is fully human with the same experiences and emotions we have. In her life, we find example, and in her virtue, we find inspiration. Mary can show us how to be the mothers we want to be — the mothers we can be.” Becoming a mother can be one of the most joyous moments a woman will experience in her life, and the love she feels for her child far outweighs the challenges that they may face in their future. It is not an easy journey, but Mary’s example sheds light on the path to overcome the fears and obstacles to becoming loving mothers.    “Whenever God acts in our life,” said Father Presutti, “He always applies those aspects: there’s sacrifice, and there’s a bliss to it. Whatever God does for us, He makes it a gift to others as well. The gift that God gave to Mary was highly personal and individualized to Mary, in a way only in which He could do. And through Mary that gift is a gift to every one of us.”

Why Are We Keeping Christ in Christmas?

You’ve likely heard this slogan: keep Christ in Christmas. It’s the mission statement for the Knights of Columbus when they begin selling themed Christmas cards and bumper stickers, sending the proceeds to various charitable causes. It’s their annual effort to promote the true spirit of Christmas. It’s a slogan that’s typically echoed across social media, occasionally coming close to starting interweb and personal wars between “Merry Christmas” and “Happy Holidays” wishers. It is a movement to shift from an engrossment with materialism that intensifies in the weeks leading up to the holiday itself, and return to the light of Jesus Christ and the spirit of giving. We see it in giving gifts to others without expecting or asking for anything in return: gifts for children we’ve never met, their names hanging from the angel tree in the back of the church; gifts of donated food or funds or clothing for the homeless; the gift of bringing the spirit to the home bound, or simply providing the gift of assistance to those who have difficulty helping themselves. The Christmas season is also arguably the most highly anticipated and most festive time of year in the world, and everything gets a lot busier. Our lives become filled with Christmas pageants, recitals, home decorating, caroling, movie marathons, lots of holiday marketing and lots and lots and lots of shopping. Whether you’re a “Merry Christmas” person or a “Happy Holidays” person, it’s difficult to ignore that today’s fast-paced, consumer world creates a tremendous amount of stress and anxiety that can lead to a dreading of Christmas, a day which should be a holy, joyous occasion. “I think what people bemoan about the fast pace is not so much the fast pace, but precisely the materialism of it,” said Fr. Robert Presutti, Divine Mercy University’s chaplain and the director for Spiritual Direction Certificate program. “Unfortunately materialism itself, whether it’s Christmas or not, is deeply unfulfilling. It’s deeply frustrating because we were made for so much more than these material values. When you take Christ out of Christmas, what happens is just increased frenzy activity. I think the fact that people feel the way they do at Christmas is not so much about Christ being taken out of Christmas; He’s being taken out of human activity period. I think it’s a symptom of a much larger problem.” Perhaps, according to Father Presutti, we should try to disengage Christmas from the rural, slow-paced culture with which it has been historically associated, like a country setting where there’s plenty of space and snow is coming down. What does it mean to live it in the middle of a city? What does it mean to live Christmas in the middle of a lot of hustle and bustle? “When you think about the first Christmas, Mary and Joseph didn’t have a quiet time. They were going from place to place with quite a bit of stress. And yet, they were completely focused on it being totally for the Lord. And when the Lord came, that was the joy of Christmas,” said Fr. Presutti. Amidst everything that the season brings in our lives, do we leave any room to journey towards Bethlehem? Do we ever find ourselves capable of lowering our “Keep Christ in Christmas” shields, turn off the carols and marathons and remember how it all began and why we should be overjoyed? As we embrace, inhale and consume the season and spirit of Christmas in today’s world, what happens to us when we allow the Son of Man to be a part of it as well? “It’s something more radical than just keeping Christ in Christmas,” Fr. Presutti said. “I don’t know if illuminating the activity is going to somehow make Christmas more spiritual. But it is, in a certain sense, putting Christ in the center of the activity. Why do we go through the trouble of celebrating at Christmas parties? Why do we go through the trouble of actually making ourselves a little more tired to buy gifts? It’s because there’s a value--something so deep in this Christmas season-- that it’s worth it, and that becomes fulfilling.” Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, in his 2005 Angelus address for the third Sunday of Advent, reflects on how the world has turned away from the true spirit of Christmas, citing how our consumer society suffered a sort of commercial ‘pollution’ that risks changing Christmas’s intimate, authentic spirit, marked by recollection, moderation and joy. Benedict also shares that, to break through chaos and commercial pollution, all we have to do is turn towards the crib: “The crib helps us contemplate the mystery of God’s love that was revealed in the poverty and simplicity of the Bethlehem Grotto,” he says. “The crib can help us understand the secret of the true Christmas because it speaks of the humility and merciful goodness of Christ, who ‘though he was rich, made himself poor’ for us (cf. 2 Cor 8:9)’. Jesus’ poverty enriches those who embrace it, and brings Christmas joy and peace to those who, like the shepherds in Bethlehem, accept the angel’s words: ‘Let this be a sign to you: in a manger you will find an infant wrapped in swaddling clothes’ (Lk 2:12).” “Go back to the root,” Presutti said. “Don’t live Christmas the way modern culture has over the last 200 years; go back to the root. What is this Advent season? It’s a time of preparation to receive the greatest gift of all. We’re not celebrating, we’re preparing.”   The Advent season and the approach of Christmas compels us to keep in mind two things. First, that Christ came to us over 2,000 years ago out of pure love. He came to us incarnate as fully God and fully man, and that he entered into our world, with all its associated ugliness, pain, discomfort, cruelty and sin, solely for the sake of us. Secondly, is that Christ told us that he will come again. “Some writers have also stated that in preparing for Christmas,” said Fr. Presutti, “we’re actually also preparing for the second coming of Christ. We’re orientating our lives towards the Lord Jesus. By preparing to celebrate His birth, we’re also preparing for our final encounter with Christ, and it also prepares us for Christ who comes to us today in many different ways.” Let’s go back in time for a moment. In the winter of 1914--the fifth month of World War I--hostilities were at a standstill. After the Race to the Sea and First Battle of Ypres, leaders reconsidered their strategies, leaving their troops to maintain their positions in the trenches. In the days leading up to Christmas, British, Belgian and French soldiers laid down their weapons, left the trenches and approached their German enemy, exchanging gifts of food, cigarettes and other items. The truce also allowed the sides to bury their fallen comrades, who laid dead on the land between the two sides. The truce took different forms across the battlefields. One account described a British soldier getting his hair cut by his pre-war German barber; others spoke of pig roasts and kickabouts with makeshift soccer balls. Graham Williams of the Fifth London Rifle Brigade recalled the Christmas Truce beginning in song. “First the Germans would sing one of their carols,” Williams wrote, “and then we would sing one of ours, until when we started singing ‘O Come, All Ye Faithful,’ the Germans immediately joined in singing the same hymns to the latin words Adeste Fideles. And I thought, well, this really a most extraordinary thing -- two nations both singing the same carroll [sic] in the middle of a war.” After over 100 years, the Christmas Truce--which has been immortalized and fictionalized in novels, films and even an opera entitled Silent Night--is still remembered as a Christmas miracle and a true testament to the power of hope, humanity, and good in each of us, even in the truly darkest hours of our history. “Somehow,” said Fr. Presutti, “the presence of Christ guarantees what’s good, authentic and well appreciated in human culture, period.”

Why Values Fail & Virtues Succeed in Marriage

Personal values may be why 50% of marriages fail. Behind the smiles of the family portrait lies the stress from the trials of raising a family that can weigh heavily on the family as a whole, from economics and finances to the fast-paced environment and differing values. These trials can create a great tension within the family and, if they’re not addressed, could bring devastating complications and outcomes including troubled marriages, separation and divorce. Contributing columnist for Catholic Moral Theology suggests that the problem leading to struggling marriages and a decline in family and relationship values is a confusion between “values” and “virtues.” In his article “Family Virtues Not Family Values,” David Cloutier describes virtue as “a habit, a settled disposition, a kind of ‘second nature’ that inclines a person to respond in particular ways and not others.” Like most habits, they need to be repeated in order for them to become second nature, much like the professional athlete who constantly trains in order to maintain the ability to perform at the highest level. Virtues are crucial to marriage and family life, and can only really be developed through generating a culture of virtue that’s reinforced throughout the whole of life. In the Online Master’s in Psychology program, you can gain the skills necessary to decrease the alarming rate of divorce by getting an understanding of vocations and virtues and how they align with human behavior.  

Studies Find Postpartum Depression in New Dads

Preparing for the arrival of a child is an exciting time, and when that time finally comes and a baby arrives, the mother and father’s world simply stops to embrace this pure moment of joy. But despite the happy juncture, there’s still a plethora of new challenges that the new mommy will have to face, no matter how prepared she is: new and changing routines to adapt to, new responsibilities to take on, copious amounts of sleep to lose. Her life will never be the same, and that realization will challenge her mentally and can result in postpartum depression, a serious mood disorder that can affect new mothers. Some mothers experience this after giving birth, but it can also appear days or even months after delivering a baby, and can last for a very long time  if left untreated. But she’s not the only one. Experts say depression can also hit the new daddy just as hard. A study published in the American Medical Association journal found that 10 percent of new fathers can experience paternal postpartum depression--or PPPD--en route to becoming a father. That number jumped to 26 percent between the 3-6 month period after the baby’s born, especially if their partner is experiencing postpartum depression. Additionally, up to 18 percent can even develop a clinically significant anxiety disorder, including obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Paternal postpartum depression in fathers is not as widely discussed or screened for as maternal postpartum depression, and identifying its early symptoms, such as sleeplessness and lack of interest in the mother and baby, can be difficult. While some men can experience the classical symptom of sadness, most men will appear angry, anxious, fearful or irritated, and may even show signs of aggression through their thoughts, words and actions. "The fact that so many new and expecting dads go through it makes it a significant public-health concern—one that physicians and mental-health providers have largely overlooked," said James F. Paulson, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at Old Dominion University. Paternal postpartum depression is very serious and, if left unaddressed and untreated, can result in damaging, long-term consequences for the entire family. Spouses and close family members are the first line of defense in recognizing postpartum depression in new mothers and fathers. Being observant is incredibly essential while watching both mom and dad transition into their new roles. Research also shows immediate father-baby bonding offers several benefits, including a lower risk for postpartum depression. Click here to read the full study. Find out how you can help and counsel new moms and dads suffering postpartum depression and other mental health challenges. Learn more at Divine Mercy University.  
About DMU
Divine Mercy University (DMU) is a Catholic graduate university of psychology and counseling programs. It was founded in 1999 as the Institute for the Psychological Sciences. The university offers a Master of Science (M.S.) in Psychology, Master of Science (M.S.) in Counseling, Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D.) in Clinical Psychology, and Certificate Programs.